Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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