I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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