Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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