There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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