my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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