you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
