sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
