Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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