I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
