...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
