Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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