Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
not ubering you a puppy
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
soo... how was my night?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
