3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
