why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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