I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
