Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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