the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
