gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
