i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you have to choose: penises or morals?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
