I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
