I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
