Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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