I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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