I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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