Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
