last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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