I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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