dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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