false alarm. still invincible.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
