so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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