Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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