remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
