You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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