ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
