i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
