Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
