i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
