I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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