I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
