Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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