I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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