Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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