Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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