Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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