I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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