I will die if light touches me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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