you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
