I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
