Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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