She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
