probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
