I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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