Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
