I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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