I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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