No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
