Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
