I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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