My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
