dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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