I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
