What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
