I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
